Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Long Way Home...

If we were candid, we would admit that we were handed more than we deserve.

Life has been incalculably hard since Debra was torn from my side. I never knew just how much on her I relied. But each day I see how I've lost my way since she's been gone. In fact, I've never felt so idle and alone. It's crazy how daily things appear, which I didn't see when she was here. But they appear nonetheless, and make me face what I never thought I would --the struggle to find a new love.

Doing so is hard because I'm an introvert, except for when I'm doing my work. But if I'm not speaking or teaching, it's hard for me to be outgoing. But I'm going to have to be if I want to be with someone else. Life is too long to live by myself. Plus, Bruce Springsteen was right when he wrote, "Everybody's Got a Hungry Heart." Listening to his music inspires and sparks. But whenever I consider approaching someone, I talk myself out of it. It's not that I lack confidence; I'm just conscious of all that comes with a relationship. 

Plus, I'm seeking someone special. Everyone is, I guess. At least that's what they say before they settle. Nothing's wrong with settling if you can live with it. But doing so makes it hard to live with yourself. At least that's how I felt when I used to settle for failure. But I hated that feeling more than anything else because I expect more of myself. I want more for others also. So, I wouldn't want anyone to settle for me. On the contrary, I want to be as special to them as they are to me. So, I've spent the last two and a half years in neutral gears, parking yet peeking at prospects. 

I also registered with a few dating sights from instinct. But I don't look at them because they don't sync with my soul. I'm not against them; they just aren't for me. So I keep asking God to lead me accordingly, until I find someone compatibly. Meanwhile some days are maddening because of not having anyone to share them with. I'd probably be dead if I didn't have a purpose and a gift. These keep me going when I find myself rowing towards the edge. Still, it's as if I'm taking the long way home.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Sensing Destiny...

A sense of destiny is the sweetest aroma. 

I’ve always had an overwhelming sense of destiny. In fact, I don’t know how it feels to live without this sense. It makes all of my decisions, the bad ones aside, which this sense assures me aren’t mine. It assures me rather that it will gather these to garrison me until I am fit for what it envisions.

It’s hard to explain this sense to others, to myself routinely. Yet I am keenly aware of its presence. I’m also beholden to its lessons. In fact, I would’ve spurned all that I’ve learned had I not learned to believe in this. Believing is hard routinely and impossible occasionally. Then, I tell myself, “Joel, you’re crazy.”  

Despite my assessments, I still wear destiny’s vestments, however invisible they are to others. Still, I can’t help but wonder about the bumbles and the brambles, the hunger and the stammers, the inability to answer for my choices. Meanwhile others are being promoted; some are retiring. I, however, am still desiring the fulfillment of what is most appealing about destiny. What this is differs for each based on their range and reach.

In this regard, destiny transcends our search for fulfillment. It does so to raise our ceiling until we cease to expect and let God do what He desires. The process stills yet stirs our fires. So much until, part of us feels frozen; the other chosen. We eventually learn, however, that we are beholden. Else we would achieve what cheats us of God’s will for our lives. What this is fulfills immeasurably because it represents our true destiny. We err when we pair destiny with destination.