Life has been incalculably hard since Debra was torn from my side. I never knew just how much on her I relied. But each day I see how I've lost my way since she's been gone. In fact, I've never felt so idle and alone. It's crazy how daily things appear, which I didn't see when she was here. But they appear nonetheless, and make me face what I never thought I would --the struggle to find a new love.
Doing so is hard because I'm an introvert, except for when I'm doing my work. But if I'm not speaking or teaching, it's hard for me to be outgoing. But I'm going to have to be if I want to be with someone else. Life is too long to live by myself. Plus, Bruce Springsteen was right when he wrote, "Everybody's Got a Hungry Heart." Listening to his music inspires and sparks. But whenever I consider approaching someone, I talk myself out of it. It's not that I lack confidence; I'm just conscious of all that comes with a relationship.
Plus, I'm seeking someone special. Everyone is, I guess. At least that's what they say before they settle. Nothing's wrong with settling if you can live with it. But doing so makes it hard to live with yourself. At least that's how I felt when I used to settle for failure. But I hated that feeling more than anything else because I expect more of myself. I want more for others also. So, I wouldn't want anyone to settle for me. On the contrary, I want to be as special to them as they are to me. So, I've spent the last two and a half years in neutral gears, parking yet peeking at prospects.
I also registered with a few dating sights from instinct. But I don't look at them because they don't sync with my soul. I'm not against them; they just aren't for me. So I keep asking God to lead me accordingly, until I find someone compatibly. Meanwhile some days are maddening because of not having anyone to share them with. I'd probably be dead if I didn't have a purpose and a gift. These keep me going when I find myself rowing towards the edge. Still, it's as if I'm taking the long way home.