TONES AND TURNS

Our tone determines our turn, whether or not it comes.

I'm sitting here on the balcony writing my 21st and 22nd books. (I generally write two at a time). Eighteen and nineteen are finished but unpublished. It's crazy because I write as if I have an awaiting audience, which I don't. But I must write to retain rationality. Still, it's hard, this need to herald myself. It would be easier if I had an audience beyond my parents (and providence), both of whom no longer read, at least the kind of stuff I write. I don't say this from pity but from the perspective of a person who desires deeply to connect, contend even, with others about his thoughts, to see whether they are valid or not. This claim suggests conceit on my part, as if my words are audience-worthy.

Meanwhile, I've read more books in the last nine months than I read all of last year. How many, however, I can't say. I generally read three at a time to keep from being bored. That doesn't mean I'm smart; I'm just smitten by an urge to know, to consume what I can in case Life requires my learning. The goal, though, isn't to be learned but to enlighten others. If I said otherwise, I would be lying. I don't want fame necessarily, just influence broadly because I'm tired of hearing fools use their tools to deceive others. Most of my circle doesn't understand my obsession.

Yet they see its effects daily because of my indifference to conventional interests, sports and entertainment especially. If they cared as much about themselves as they do about Michael Vick or Michael Jackson, their lives would be majestic! I'm probably being too harsh but I can't help it. Besides, we're all aging, which should be reason enough to make us embrace our neglected aspirations.

If rappers can curse their way to the top, surely we can commit ourselves until we achieve similarly. For me, that means provoking thought and providing guidance through my words. My life isn't exemplary, conventionally speaking. But I do believe that I can help others. Yet I watch daily as vulgarity dons stages constructed creatively by modern technology, cable and satellite television preeminently. I want the same opportunity to be heard, even if only to be rejected. Presently, however, I'm being rejected on the principle of obscurity; encouraged meanwhile by a defiant sense of destiny! Most people with common sense would have quit by now. I've tried but I can't.